Lady the Dog

Written by Chuck Rounds and Minnie Madden

Lady the Dog

Scene 1

Exterior

The Park, morning

Christine Hancock is walking her dog through the park. She approaches an older man sitting on a bench.

Christine

Hi Sandy, I brought you your coffee.

Sandy

Splenda. Did you remember the splenda?

Christine

Sandy. Sandy, Sandy, Sandy…it’s stevia, not splenda

Sandy

Setiva, schmivia. Spenda, schemda. Did you bring it?

Christine

(Sighs) Of course it’s in the coffee. It’s always in the coffee.

Sandy

What about the onion bagel?

Christine

They didn’t have the onion. I brought the everything instead…with cream cheese.

Sandy

A plain schemer, or the fancy one?

Christine

Just the plain one.

Sandy

What about you? Didn’t you get anything?

Christine

Chocolate Croissant.

Sandy

Fancy Schmancy. How’s your dog business?

Christine

You mean the animal clinic?

Sandy

That’s what I said…the dog business

Christine

You remember Oscar the labradoodle? I’ve been telling you about how we’ve been treating him for, what we thought was acute arthritis, but when we looked more closely, we saw a tumor. I sat with him most of the night. And sadly…I’m going to have to put Oscar down today.

Sandy

I’m so sorry. I know you did your best. I’m sure Oscar’s family appreciates you. I appreciate you. Do you remember how we met?

Christine

Of course. You brought your dog, Stanley, to me.

Sandy

Do you remember all of his allergies?

Christine

Yes, and we had to set up that series of shots and weekly baths.

Stanley

After a while, Stanley thought he was going to a spa.

Christine

He certainly liked his baths.

Sandy

He liked you.

Christine

How many years ago was that? Ten?

Sandy

More like twelve.

Christine

And it’s been a couple of years since he’s passed. Why haven’t you gotten another dog?

Sandy

Why haven’t you gotten another man?

Christine

Probably the same reason. Too painful to say goodbye.

Sandy

Do you want me to bring you a Reuben for lunch?

Christine

Double sauerkraut. But not until after 1:00, I have appointments until then.

Sandy

Here…I have a special treat for Lily

Christine

She doesn’t need so many treats.

Sandy

It’s a special treat. It’s a diet treat. It’s made with stevia.

Christine

Alright… I have to get to work. (kisses him on top of the head, walks away…yells over her shoulder) And double pickles!

Sandy

Yea, yea…with stevia.

Scene 2

Exterior

The Park, morning

Christine Hancock is walking her dog through the park. She approaches an older man sitting on a bench.

Christine

Hi Sandy, I brought you your coffee.

Sandy

Splenda?

Christine

Stevia.

Sandy

Reuben?

Christine

Marble rye.

Sandy

Double pickle and sauerkraut?

Christine

Noon

Sandy

(mumbling) yea, yea, yea, double pickle and sauerkraut.

Christine

How’s your cough?

Sandy

It’s perfect! I think it’s the Stevia…If I only had splenda. How’s the dog business?

Christine

You mean the animal clinic, that I, Dr. Hancock, established 15 years ago?

Sandy

Yea, the dog business.

Christine

Yesterday a couple brought in a golden doodle that reminded me of your Stanley. A big goofy dog that just wanted hugs and kisses.

Sandy

What was wrong with him?

Christine

He just came in for a dental.

Sandy

I miss Stanley…such a mench

Christine

Why don’t you get another dog?

Sandy

Why don’t you get another man?

Christine

Same reason…too painful to say goodbye.

Sandy

Look, I’m old. I don’t get another dog because the dog would outlive me. It’s hard enough for the dog to leave me. I don’t want me to leave the dog.

Christine

You could get an old dog. And besides, I’m here to care of you and your dog.

Sandy

I’ll consider that…if you’ll consider going on a date.

Christine

I don’t want to date.

Sandy

Yes, you do. You just don’t know it.

Christine

I do know it. I don’t want to date.

Sandy

You’re afraid.

Christine

Of course, I’m afraid. The last so called perfect guy left me a month before the wedding.

Sandy

He was a jerk. I told you that when I met him. You didn’t believe me.

Christine

Look, he wasn’t a jerk, but we certainly weren’t meant for each other. In the end, I’m glad he left. It was a passionless relationship, and I need passion.

Sandy

He was a jerk. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try again.

Christine

I’m not ready yet…soon. Let’s get you a dog first.

Sandy

But what if the dog is a jerk?

Christine

Ha. Ha. Dogs are incapable of being jerks.

Look how sweet my Lily is.

Sandy

I love lovin’ on Lilly. (Hugs Christine’s dog and pets her.)

Christine

She’s such a good baby.

Sandy

It’s because of you. You treat her so well, she knows she’s a lucky dog

Christine

She is just an easy dog to love.

Sandy

You love all the dogs, not just Lily and Stanley, all of them. I love that…when I die, I want to come back as one of your dogs.

Christine

You’re not dying. You’re so crotchety, that neither God nor the Devil is going to take you.

Sandy

And yet, you still love me.

Christine

(Kisses him on the head) Yea, yea…noon, marble rye. And take care of the cough.

Sandy

And double pickles.

Scene 3

Exterior

The Park, morning

Christine Hancock is walking her dog through the park. The bench that is always occupied by Sandy is empty. She looks around, doesn’t see anything, and sits down to wait.

A man in a suit approaches her.

Man

Excuse me, ma’am. Are you Christine Hancock?

Christine

Yes.

Man

I’m so sorry. I was told that I could find you here. I have some sad news for you.

Scene 4

Interior

The Funeral Parlor.

There are only a handful of people. A woman is at the lectern.

Woman #1

I worked for Sandy for more than forty years. Good deli owner, nice man. He always snuck sandwiches to the homeless people. He made sure everyone was fed, but he was strange. He was always a little strange…he vanished a lot. He would hand me the keys and say, “Could you take care of things until I get back?” I’d say sure, how long are you going to be? He’d say, “Just a little errand, maybe a couple of days.” And maybe two weeks later he would show up. This happened a lot. One time his errand lasted for two years. But he was a generous man. I also kept the books, and whenever I wanted a raise, he said, “Can I afford it?” And it was never a problem. When he decided to retire, he handed me the keys and said, “It’s your problem now.” And then he got the dog. He loved that dog more than he loved people. I always invited him to Thanksgiving dinner…he never came. He wanted to bring his dog, but I only have cats in my house. I’m going to miss him…I’m really going to miss him.

Mark (the neighbor)

I lived next door to Sandy for something like 32 years. And I don’t know a thing about him. He was pleasant enough. He always waved and said hello. In the early years, he would be here, and then he would take off for weeks at a time. He gave me a key to his place…just in case. I asked his where he was going…he always laughed and said, Aruba. He spent a lot of time in Aruba. What’s in Aruba? I always suspected he never really went to Aruba. Then things settled down and he spent more time at the deli. He brought me sandwiches. When he retired, he got that dog for company. They were inseparable. It made me happy to see them together. It was the first time that Sandy seemed truly happy, and they were happy for a long time. And then the dog died. He was devastated. The only thing that saved him was Christine. She’s a good egg.

Cousin

I’m Sandy’s cousin, and I haven’t seen him in 22 years. He was always a mystery. He never reached out to his family, and now I’m the only family left. He loved the deli, and he loved the dog…more than his family. I’m here out of respect…not love. I’m not surprised he left everything to that girl. I mean why should he leave anything to his family? The pastrami was never lean.

Christine

I met Sandy about 12 years ago. He brought his dog, Stanley in for regular checkups…and we just got to know each other, and we became friends. We bonded through our dogs, and we became very close. We met in the park almost every day, and he made me laugh. When Stanley passed, I wanted Sandy to get another dog. He always wanted me to get another man…neither ever happened. Why he left everything to me…I don’t know. He didn’t seem to have anyone else. I didn’t know he had any family. I liked his pastrami, and I have a hole in my heart, as big as a crotchety old man and his dog.

Scene 5

Interior

Sandy’s house

She is going through things, making piles and throwing things away

Christine

I can’t believe that Sandy left everything to me.

She finds an assortment of odd things that doesn’t seem to fit what she thought she knew about him…obscure souvenirs from across the globe, boxes of old floppy discs, but no computer in site. Cassette tapes hidden in fake books, and notebooks written in a language she doesn’t understand.

It is a rainy night out and she hears a scratching the door. She opens the door to find a completely soaked dog sitting in front of her. She greets the dog, and loves on it. She grabs a towel and starts drying it off.

The dog seems to make itself a home. She does go to one part of the house and scratches at a corner until a secret compartment is revealed.

Christine

What the hell…?

Feeling self satisfied, the dog goes to Sandy’s favorite chair and sits down. The dog takes her paw and knocks all of the prescription bottles off the side table. Christine goes and picks them all up. Looking at them…

Christine

Well, I guess you don’t need these anymore.

The dog leans against her.

Scene 6

Interior

Veterinary office

She has “Lost Dog” fliers on the table. Lady is on the exam table. She is checking her out and testing to see if there’s a chip.

The Vet assistant (Drew) comes in. He has a kitten in each pocket, and one down the front of his shirt. He has a clipboard in his hand. He is quirky, but efficient.

Drew

Dr. Hancock. You have three surgeries today…a dental, a spay, and a mass removal. Three rooms are waiting…they were here when we opened…nothing too dramatic. The chihuahua in room two is angry at the world. There are puppies in room one, they just need booster shots. Oh my, who is this beautiful baby.

Christine

I found her last night…or she found me. I’m calling her Lady for now. I was just about to scan her to see if she has a chip. She showed up at Sandy’s door during the storm. I’m sure her owners are missing her. I made up some flyers last night.

I can help you get those flyers up and about. I’ll have Susie call all the shelters and see if anyone is asking about her. Oh, and in room three, there’s a cat that’s constipated. Not looking forward to that…

Christine

Thanks Drew. I’ll be there in a minute. (Drew leaves. Christine scans the dog, checks the teeth, etc., and loves on her.) No chip. Well, it seems like you’re in good health. I’m sure your owners are worried about you. You are such a beautiful Lady.

Lady

Lady? Bitch! I’m a bitch?

Christine

(Gasps) What!?!?!

Drew comes back in, this time his pockets are filled with puppies.

Drew

Excuse me…what are we going to do about lunch? Are we going to order from the Deli, or what? Is that still ok?

Christine

We can still order from the deli. The deli is fine.

The dog barks at Drew.

Drew

All right, I’m going. (Exits)

Lady

Please don’t make me eat another Reuben.

Christine

(Sits on the floor) Oh my god…you can talk? This cannot be happening.

Lady

Just chill out… I can talk. A lot of dogs can talk. People just don’t listen.

Christine

Well, I am certainly listening.

Lady

Good. Then I want a BLT, and make sure the bacon is crispy.

Christine

(Still in a state of shock) Ok…I’ll get Drew to order it for you.

Lady

And pickles…I want pickles.

(Lights out)

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